


Random Starfighter Conversations

by phyrestorm



Category: Starfighter (Comic)
Genre: Arguments, Awkward Flirting, Chat rooms, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Jokes, M/M, Occasional Seriousness, Praxis Being A Dork Should Be Its Own Tag, Satire, Silly, Sorry No Porn Here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-11
Updated: 2015-07-10
Packaged: 2018-02-25 01:30:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2603594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phyrestorm/pseuds/phyrestorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm doing a writing exercise where I try to tell a story with just dialog.  So far, it's basically a bunch of fluff with a hearty helping of crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Don't Call Me That

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was originally part of [The Desire to Protect](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2482463/chapters/5507807) but I took it out because it's kind of dumb and didn't add anything to the plot. If you don't feel like reading that, all you really need to know is Cain is recovering from serious injuries, yelling hurts his head, he's starting to get on Abel's nerves, and Abel is ready to return the favor.

"You know, that whole 'Princess' thing is getting pretty annoying!"

Then what should I call you, Princess?

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe my NAME?"

I don't know your name, Princess.

"Oh. Right. Umm..."

...

Well?

...

"Ethan! It's ETHAN, OK?!"

Ethan. Ethan. Eeeethuuuhhnnn. 

Hmm. I like it.

"Good. What's yours?"

...

"Oh, come on!"

No.

"I saved your life!"

I saved yours too. No.

"You're being REALLY UNFAIR, Cain!"

Aaagh! Don't yell!

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Can I get you something? What do you need?"

I need you to shut the fuck up!

_"Cain!"_

And, um, lie down by me again. If you want. OW! Other side!

 

**TWO HOURS LATER**

 

Wake up.

Wake up, Princess Ethan.

Priiinnnncessss Ethaaannnn...

Wake up!

"AH! What! Are you OK?!"

Arkady.

"What?"

Arkady. I'm not saying it again.

"Oh... That's your--"

Yeah. My waste-of-flesh father's, too. I hated him and almost everyone who called me that. So don't. 

"Oh. All right."

"Cain?"

Yeah?

"Who called you Arkady who you don't hate?"

...

"Come on, tell me."

No.

"Come onnn!"

No. Fuck you.

"Yes, I love that! But right now I'd settle for an answer to my question."

Don't you take no for an answer?!

"As much as you do!"

I do, actually. But when have you ever told me no?

...

Heh. Go back to sleep, Princess.

"Hmph. Fine. I still love you, Arkady."

DON'T FUCKING CALL ME TH--Wait, what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone else seems to have agreed on Sacha, but I named Cain Arkady after the protagonist of Dostoevsky's The Adolescent because he embodies just about every negative stereotype of teenagers despite not having been one in three years.


	2. Damn Rabble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I might do something serious with this idea at some point. For now, it's just a slice of the silly shit that happens on IRC, especially if you're trying to get people to be serious. It's simplified in places for people who don't use IRC. If you still can't tell what's going on (or who everyone is,) let me know.

#ReformEuropa 

'Welcome to the official IRC channel of Reform Europa. We are a non-violent group of Colteran War veterans and other concerned citizens working to bring fairness and transparency to the governments of the Europan colonies and beyond.' 

You are signed in as channel owner Rabblerouser

 

~Rabblerouser: Guys listen

~Rabblerouser: Whoever keeps putting an eye patch on Gov Bering's statue

~Rabblerouser: Plz stop.

~Rabblerouser: I appreciate the support but it's not worth getting arrested

AbelBodiedSpaceman: It wasn't me, but OK, I won't start.

C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R: WTF 

C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R: PPL DID THAT???? OMFG LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

AbelBodiedSpaceman: Cain, are you drunk again? -_-

 

[private message]

1000Cuts: ;)

~Rabblerouser: That was you?!

1000Cuts: ^_^

~Rabblerouser: Baby, stop. Please.

1000Cuts: >:)

~Rabblerouser: GODDAMMIT ALEKS

1000Cuts: :*

~Rabblerouser: Don't make me come over there! 

1000Cuts: :D

~Rabblerouser: That's not the reaction I was...look, just don't steal MY eye patch for that again or I'll make a new one out of that jacket you wear all the time

1000Cuts: >:( k

[/private message]

 

C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R: HAY WTF R U FAGS ALL CYBARING NAO OR WAT

C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R: U FORGOT 2 INVITE ME LOL

AbelBodiedSpaceman: Cain, I WILL cut your connection again.

C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R: NO U FUCKIN WONT U LIL BI

*C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R has quit (connection interrupted)

AbelBodiedSpaceman: Sorry about that. He won't be back until he sobers up or pays his own connect fee for a change.

~Rabblerouser: So who's coming to the rally tomorrow?

*BraidyAFK is now known as Braidy88

AbelBodiedSpaceman: Oh! Keeler! I tried that hair dye you recommended but I still get those annoying bright yellow streaks in front.

*StillNotImpressed has joined the channel

ItzPhobzBitchez: abel dyes his hair lulz

BestMusketeer: Braidy babe you dye your hair?! But the carpets match the drapes!

Braidy88: Can you NOT tell the whole channel about that. -_-

ItzPhobzBitchez: ...

BestMusketeer: What, Phobs? I never told you we were exclusive.

AbelBodiedSpaceman: Oh god, look what I started. o_o

ItzPhobzBitchez: lol i never told u we were exclusive when i fkd deimos 

1000Cuts: >_>

*ItzPhobzBitchez has been banned by Rabblerouser (You mean when Hell froze over?)

BestMusketeer: Jealous bitch

*BestMusketeer has quit (I'm outta here)

StillNotImpressed: ...The hell did I just walk into? 

Braidy88: The 'bos bros. Disregard.

AbelBodiedSpaceman: Why were they even here?

~Rabblerouser: If we could return to the TOPIC...

AbelBodiedSpaceman: Sorry.

StillNotImpressed: Baby, really, what did you ever see in him? 

StillNotImpressed: Don't tell me you just have a thing for mohawks. ~_~

Braidy88: I have a thing for m...never mind. 

*C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R has joined the channel

~Rabblerouser: RALLY TOMORROW. At 3. In the square. No throwing stuff this time!

AbelBodiedSpaceman: I can't throw stuff all the way from Mars anyway, but OK.

C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R: haha bet i could

~Rabblerouser: Not even going to argue with that one Cain

C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R: sry bout b4

C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R: /ABEL THERE I SAID IT GIMME BACK MY FUCKING VODKA

C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R: shit

C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R: how the fuck do i pm again??

StillNotImpressed: FFS Reliant you live together. Haul your lazy ass up the damn stairs and TALK to him.

*CurlyAFK is now known as CurlyCutie

CurlyCutie: ~Rabblerouser: Whoever keeps putting an eye patch on Gov Bering's statue ^^Do you mean the physical statue or the one on his site? Because the site was totally me. :)

~Rabblerouser: Ethos... -_-

CurlyCutie: Oh, stop with the protective Fighter thing. I've got my wife for that now! :)

C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R: lol

C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R: ever tell her how u an cyclops celebrated after battle?

C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R: cuz i'd love to see that

CurlyCutie: Funny, that's what she said. :)

AbelBodiedSpaceman: Hehe!

StillNotImpressed: Wait... You dye your hair, Keeler?

Braidy88: It's WHITE if I don't. I look like a grandma! :( 

1000Cuts: IF YOU DIPSHITS CONTINUE TO IGNORE THE PURPOSE OF THIS CHANNEL TO TALK ABOUT HAIR DYE AND WHO'S FUCKING WHOM, I WILL CUT ALL YOUR BALLS OFF AND WEAR THEM AS A NECKLACE.

Braidy88: O_O

CurlyCutie: D:

StillNotImpressed: ...

AbelBodiedSpaceman: O_O

~Rabblerouser: Uh...does that include me? O_x

1000Cuts: :*

C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R: ROFL

C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R: THE MOUSE ROARS

~Rabblerouser: So...who's coming to the rally, in person or otherwise?

AbelBodiedSpaceman: Me.

StillNotImpressed: me

CurlyCutie: Is 1000Cuts going to be there and are knives allowed? O_O

*1000Cuts nods

Braidy88: Me

C@1NT3HD3STR0Y3R: nope, too scared of curlys wife ;)


	3. Complicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tall Dark and Sweet Doofus/Tiny and Lethal: The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ship Deimos/Praxis. The only problem is imagining a circumstance in which such a relationship could possibly start. Oh, and writing a dialog-only story featuring the guy who doesn't talk. Doh.

What? Why are you staring at me?

Come on, I know you CAN talk. I've seen you whispering to Cain.

OK, let's start with something more basic. Why are you in the brig?

Do you really have anything more interesting to do than talk to me? Because I sure don't.

Fine, here. I've got paper and a pen. You can write, can't you?

_Yes I can write you one-eyed (scribble.)_

Great. So why are you in the brig?

_Nav had accident with knife._

"Accident," huh?

_Grabbed me. Cut his hands. Oops._

Riiiight.

_Why you here?_

I, um...my Nav kind of got me in trouble too.

_Fight with Ethos??_

Ha, no. Some asshole who had the hots for him and needed a lesson in taking no for an answer.

_Oh, you're fucking?_

What? No! I hardly know the guy! Not that that stops some people...I mean...not that there's anything wrong with that...but...I'm not...

_Then why care?_

Because he didn't want it!

_So?_

SO?! I couldn't just let him be harassed and maybe worse! What is WRONG with you?!

_Lots. But I understand consent. Wondered if you did._

Oh, you were testing me? Did I pass? What report will you be taking back to Cain?

_Not Cain's business._

Not yours either. I don't know why I answered.

***

_Where you from?_

Europa Colony 4. You?

_Mars 3._

Do you miss it?

_No._

Not at all?

_No._

Come on, there must be one thing you miss.

_Why?_

I don't know. Human nature or something.

_What you miss in E4?_

My family. My best friend. He was with me on the station for a while, actually. Nothing much about the place itself.

_No family. Best friend here. What's to miss?_

Fair enough.

Does Cain really treat you like a best friend, though?

Because it sure doesn't look like it to me.

I've seen the way he shoves you away and even hits you when he thinks no one's watching. Why do you put up with that?

Fine, don't answer. I just think you deserve better is all.

_Stupid._

***

"Pssst."

Huh?

"Pssst!"

Where are you?

"Tch."

GAH! How the FUCK did you get in here?!

You climbed over the...and you FIT...?

OK, stupid question. Being small obviously has its advantages. More to the point, WHY are you in my cell?

Whoa, back up...Back...Ah!...Wait...MMF! HEY! GET OFF ME!!

What did we JUST fucking agree about consent?!

Get the hell back in your own cell, you little creep!

***

"Pssst."

For fuck sake, now what?

_Sorry._

_Thought you were like other Fighters._

Tch. Like Cain?

_No. Heh._

"Heh?" Heh what?

_You reacted just like Cain._

What?!

_Doesn't want me either anymore._

...Oh.

Then why do you let--are you OK?

Deimos?

Look, I'm sorry I called you a little creep. You just...surprised me.

_Not soft like Abel?_

No! Yes. No... Ugh, like I'll ever know. Don't talk to me about Abel.

_Don't talk to me about Cain._

Deal.

And I didn't say I didn't want you. Just...slow the hell down. We should really be on speaking terms for more than a couple hours without you pulling a knife on me or snarking about my eye before you shove your hand down my pants again.

_Didn't snark about eye._

You called me a one-eyed...something in Russian.

_Wasn't an insult._

Then what was it?

Come on, tell me.

Are you...blushing?

_NO._

You are!

_Shut up._

Sorry. It's just...very cute.

***

_The sun._

What about it?

_What I miss. From M3._

Oh. I guess I miss that a bit too. I couldn't see it like you could on Mars, though.

_Wasn't great through mine dust. From mountains outside habitat, amazing._

You got outside? How?!

_Being small has advantages._

No, seriously, how the hell... That's a lot more complicated than squeezing between bars and ceiling!

_Complicated yes. Maybe tell you later._

_Why you laughing?_

I just realized what I miss about E4. It's stupid.

_Tell me._

The stars. I see them every day, of course, but either I have drills or something's trying to kill me. There's no time to just look.

_Understood. I'd miss that too._

Wait, you WOULD miss that? Don't tell me you've been doing secret spacewalks!

_Room with big window. Usually empty now. Could show you._

Really? I'd like that.

When do you get out of here?

_1 day, 14 hours, 27 minutes._

Uh, I get out the day after tomorrow too.

Would you, um, like to have dinner with me that night? We could raid the mess hall before it gets crowded and then have a picnic by that window...?

_Are you asking me out? On a date?_

Y-yes. Yes, I am.

What's so funny?

_Nothing. Sorry. Never done this before._

...Wait, what?

_Dating. Sex yes. Dating no._

Oh. That's kind of fucked up.

Annnnnd I just stuck my foot in it again, didn't I.

_Yes._

Making you laugh just might be worth it. Argh, NOW what's so funny?!

_Praxis..._

Yeah?

_You're fucking adorable._

I... Wow. That's a new one.

_Need more paper. Mind if I come get some?_

Um, sure. I mean no! No, I don't mind. I mean...gah, just get over here.

_Gladly._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did Deimos call Praxis? I don't trust Google Translate to tell me, but if any Russian speakers want to help me out, that would be great. I'm thinking something along the lines of 'sexy beast,' which I'm sure translates horribly. Extra points for something that could have been interpreted as an insult if he'd decided he wasn't into Praxis after all.


	4. Complicracked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Annnnnd this is the OTHER version of how the SS Praxmos set sail. This is what happens when smartass comments get out of hand and turn into whole fics. :P

What? Why are you staring at me?

Come on, I know you CAN talk. I know you're rockin' the whole Silent and Mysterious thing, but come ON. I'm BORED.

Do you really have anything more interesting to do than talk to me? Because all I've got is some lotion and this picture of Abel.

Fine, here. I've got paper and a pen. You can write, can't you?

_Yes I can write you one-eyed wanker._

Glad to hear it, you creepy little shit. So why are you in the brig?

_I finally got sick of Phobos's crap and my knife had a little conversation with his hands._

About time.

_That's what I thought. He'll live, unfortunately._

Fuckin' navs, man. Mine got me in trouble too.

_Fight with Ethos??_

No, but there will be when I get out of here! The bastard talked me into coming along when he "borrowed" Cook's new hovercraft while we were on shore leave, then blamed me when he crashed it. You know, the whole "My mean evil fighter MADE me do it!" routine...WOULD YOU STOP LAUGHING!

_Sorry. Haha. Shall I stab him too?_

Nah, I already wrote a love note from him to Cook's latest boy toy, to be delivered next time Cook's getting his Afternoon Delight.

_Ooh, sneaky. I thought you'd be more the brute force type._

Tch. Where's the fun in that? I only kicked Cain's ass because he REALLY pissed me off.

_You know, I'm getting pretty sick of his crap too._

You and me both. We should totally teach him a lesson.

_Totally. Fiberglass in his boxers?_

Heheh! But wait, Abel might put them on by mistake.

_You're right. I'd rather keep Abel's junk in working condition._

Jeez, you too?!

_Please. The whole fleet wants to fuck that boy._

Figures. Oh, I got one! You know how he always bitches about the borscht being shitty? What if that was literally true one day?

_Hey, I eat that stuff too!_

Ugh, really? Why?

_Russian pride or something?_

It's actually a Ukrainian dish.

_...Shut up._

Hmm... There's always the old douse-their-cigarettes-in-hairspray trick.

_You have hairspray?_

Ye--NO! It's Ethos's!

_Sure, that's why his hair is adorably messy and you've got chronic helmet head._

...MOVING RIGHT ALONG... 

_I've got an idea. I need to come over there to show you, though._

Huh? What do you... Fucking hell. You can't be the only one skinny enough to squeeze between cells like that. What idiot designed this brig?!

_Some big doofus like you, I guess. So here's my pla--what's that noise?_

Crap, it's a guard!

"What the hell are you two doing over there?"

_Plotting murder and mayhem._

Haha! Um, plotting, sir.

"What?"

Um... Mmf! Hey! Wha--Mmmm...

"EEEUUUGGHHHHH!! Am I the only straight man on this ship!? Not that I'm prejudiced or anything... Whatever. Little guy, get out of big guy's cell before the sarge shows up in 15 minutes. You pervs--I mean lovebirds have fun. Ick..."

_He's gone. We can stop now._

Ah...what if I don't want to stop?

_Then my plotting is working._

I always thought you looked like you'd be good at plotting.

_Oh, I am. I learned from the best. He doesn't want to plot with me anymore, though._

Abel never wanted to plot with me in the first place. Sucks. Not literally, unfortunately.

_His loss._

Are you flirting with me, Deimos?

_Duh._

PfffffffffffffffffffAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_What's so funny?!_

Cain would have a fucking heart attack if we hooked up!

_HOLY CRAP YOU'RE RIGHT!_

Yeah, we could definitely make this a thing. But didn't you see my sign?

_Sign?_

"Must be this tall to ride."

_Whatever. I've got one that says "Keep both eyes open at all times."_

Well, technically, I can kind of...wedge...oops...ow! You got a toothpick or something I could borrow?

_Ew. Never mind. I'll wear heels._


	5. Vital Communications

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quick, silly pre-comic thing featuring Praxis (who is a bit of a brat,) his previous Navigator (who is a brat,) and his sister (who is a MAJOR brat.) I may do an actual, serious prequel to TPV at some point, but for now, this is what I got. xP

FROM: Recruit A. Delphiki  
TO: Fighter Praxis

heya big bro!! guess who just got outta basic @ 9!!! IN UR FACE 12 LOL!!!!!!  
jk. luv ya  
probly posted @ 5  
u stayin @3?  
hows stuff? hows teh cutie nav?? ;)  
g2g party tiiiiiiiimeeeee

 

FROM: Fighter Praxis  
TO: Recruit A. Delphiki

Congrats lil sis!! Hope you didn't leave too many bodies in your wake haha. I love you too, yes I'm staying at Station 3 for now, and stuff is pretty boring. Techne's fine. He says hi and you type like 9 was your age instead of your graduating rank.  
Apparently I wasn't supposed to tell you he said that. Well then you shouldn't have said it, should you, and stop reading over my shoulder and grabbing for my tablet yogdsalkjsaglhkznh,nvvvvvvvvv  
asfdfkfdslkdsjafasffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff  
HAHAHA I'M PRAXIS AND IM A DUMBSHIT

 

FROM: Fighter Praxis  
TO: Recruit A. Delphiki

OK so that was probably more entertaining than anything I would have written. xP  
"Cutie nav" isn't so fucking cute when he's drunk and hyper at the same time. Major pain in the ass, actually. YES, YOU, YOU NOSY BASTARD.  
Ha, now he's giving me puppy dog eyes. That's not going to work. Neither is that. Neither is th  
Um.  
Later.

 

FROM: Recruit A. Delphiki  
TO: Fighter Praxis

OMG TMI  
pain in the ass lol dont u have lube

 

FROM: Fighter Praxis  
TO: Recruit A. Delphiki

NOT what I meant. -_- You ship out tomorrow, right?

 

FROM: Fighter Lilith  
TO: Fighter Praxis

HAHA BADASS TASK NAME!!! DIS SHIT GOT CUT FROM THE BIBLE 4 BEIN 2 BADASS!!!!  
not like urs that dosnt mean nething :P  
nav is eve. shes ok. cmndrs a bitch. food sux. y u no warn me bout teh shit food bro  
omg eve im ritin my bro dun b a nosy bitch

 

FROM: Fighter Praxis  
TO: Fighter Lilith

Now you're just typing like a retard to piss me off. It's working. Please stop?

 

FROM: Fighter Praxis  
TO: Navigator Techne

Explain to me one more time what my name means?

 

FROM: Navigator Techne  
TO: Fighter Praxis

It means Lazy Fighter Who Bothers Navigator During Lab Instead of Looking Stuff Up.  
Praxis is the process by which a theory, lesson, or skill is enacted, embodied, or realised. "Praxis" may also refer to the act of engaging, applying, exercising, realizing, or practicing ideas.

 

FROM: Fighter Praxis  
TO: Navigator Techne

Yeah that really doesn't help.

 

FROM: Fighter Lilith  
TO: Navigator Techne

ur bfs bein a dick. can u help me translate shit into nerd? he said i type like a retard so i wanna confuse the hell outta him lol

 

FROM: Navigator Techne  
TO: Fighter Lilith

Why, certainly, fair maiden. Simply inform me regarding your intended missive and I shall make haste to elevate your loving words to the height of poetry they indubitably deserve.

 

FROM: Fighter Lilith  
TO: Navigator Techne

lolwut

 

FROM: Fighter Praxis  
TO: Navigator Techne

Seriously, it kinda sounds like it means technology, but no, that's yours. The only other reference I can find is some movie shit from the 1900s. Hey, speaking of old movies, Bering has a whole archive of vintage porn and his password sucks. Hang on, I'll send you a clip. ;)

 

FROM: Navigator Techne  
TO: Fighter Praxis

I'm working, hot stuff. Save it.

 

FROM: Fighter Lilith  
TO: Navigator Techne

srsly. ur not helping. do i gotta show my tits or what lol!!

 

FROM: Navigator Techne  
TO: Fighter Lilith

You are so barking up the wrong tree, honey.

 

FROM: Fighter Praxis  
TO: Navigator Techne

Wow, this guy looks a LOT like you! Check it out: hotblondsodirty.mv

 

FROM: Fighter Lilith  
TO: Navigator Techne

yea i know im just bored. hay lets play a game! guess what number im thinking

 

FROM: Navigator Techne  
TO: Fighter Praxis, Fighter Lilith

OH MY GOD WILL YOU BOTH GO AWAY


End file.
